International Women's Day - March 8, 2004
Single Moms by Choice    

When Jane Mattes decided to become a single mother, her nervousness led to nightmares in which outraged people threw stones at her. Raised in a traditional family, this professional psychotherapist had always assumed that babies follow marriage. But when a suitable life partner did not come along, Mattes decided to start a family.

That was 1979 and the phenomenon of single professional women in their 30s, like Mattes, opting for single motherhood, was just beginning to unfold. Twenty-five years later, when Janet Thompson decided to become a single parent in 2003, the social landscape had altered enough for her not to have nightmares. Single motherhood is now an accepted social reality and Thompson was one more addition to the burgeoning statistics of single mothers.

Single motherhood is growing globally, particularly in North America. In Canada for instance, in 1981 there were 19.1 births per 1000 single women, aged 35 to 39, and in 2001 there were 35.5. In the US, births to the 30-plus category of single women have nearly doubled in the past 20 years. Add to this the number of single women who adopt children and the tally rises further.

What distinguishes singe mothers by choice (SMBC) from 'single unwed mothers', who got saddled with a baby owing to premarital sex, says Kim (last name withheld on request) is that SMBCs are financially secure, professional women for whom motherhood is a chosen decision. Kim, a Toronto schoolteacher, has adopted a girl from Vietnam.

Thompson, who insists single motherhood is an "empowering" decision, adds that while single mothers were initially seen as radical feminists wanting to dismantle the traditional family structure, they now represent strong-willed, determined women who do the job of parenting their child/children alone.

"Most women, who have accomplished their professional goals but are unable to find suitable life partners, realize there isn't much time left to start a family," reasons US-based Mattes and calls it the "prime reason" for the growing number of SMBCs.

The increase in number of single mothers has also witnessed a spurt in support groups and networks for them. Their beginnings can be traced to the living room of a New York apartment in 1982. This was where Mattes had
organized an informal meeting of single mothers like her.

"About eight women came on the appointed day," she recalls, "some with babies, some pregnant, some thinking about becoming single moms. And we got talking and couldn't stop. It was wonderful to meet others in the same situation."

That marked the beginning of an organization they named SMBC - the name would subsequently become the nom de plume for single moms. Media publicity and a subsequent deluge of members followed. SMBC became an NGO and now has over 2000 members across the US and Canada. According to Mattes, SMBC provides the "opportunity to network with others in the same situation (women thinking of single motherhood, women trying to be moms, and single mothers) and to get information about the various aspects of those stages."

The advent of the internet, she says, has meant that "we now can offer virtual support to anyone living anywhere".

Another change in these intervening years is that now governments and private employers have also started extending maternity benefits to single moms. Availability of day-care facilities, tax concessions and minimizing
of work hours are just some of the benefits a single mother enjoys today.

Like Kim, who is the Toronto coordinator of SMBC. "I had a full year off with my daughter. Crucial for the bonding process." Further, she is also able to work part time in the afternoons for two years and she feels it has been very beneficial to her as well as her daughter. She has started a playgroup for children adopted from the same country (Vietnam).

There is a flip side to it as her salary has been correspondingly halved and she can't afford to buy certain things. But then, reasons Kim, "the time I spend with my daughter more than makes up for the fact that I cannot afford a car for another year. I know that not everyone can afford to do it; but if it's at all possible, I highly recommend it."

Most single mothers, says Mattes, have never been married; others were divorced or widowed before becoming mothers. These women represent a cross-section of society coming from different racial and ethnic backgrounds, age groups, social and political beliefs; even financially facing different situations. They are different in every which way.

Yet each of them has a characteristic in common - the desire to be a mother and a belief that one loving parent can do a good job of raising a child.

But single mothers don't come without their share of emotional and financial conflicts and concerns. Although single motherhood has increased dramatically over the years there are still a number of social and legal implications facing single mothers today. Mattes delves into some of these concerns in her hugely popular book `Single Mothers By Choice', which has become a bible of sorts for single moms.

It briefly discusses the changing reaction of society to single mothers over the years and then digs into the personal decisions and issues one will face as a single parent. Beginning with an analysis of the various methods of becoming a single mom - donor insemination, conception, and adoption as well as their ramifications, it also covers the physical and social aspects of raising children as a single mother. The book also has an analysis of what Mattes calls "The Daddy Issue" with topics such as how to answer a child's questions at various life stages and alternatives to the psychological aspects of fatherhood and husbands.

The challenges of raising a kid, say SMBC members, are the same as those faced by any mother. "The differences are that, for better and for worse, we are dealing with them without a partner. This makes some things easier and some things harder," says Mattes.

Mattes' son is 23 years old now and she says motherhood has been one of the most exciting adventures she has ever undertaken. The SMBC network was a "tremendous source of support", she says.

For Kim, the journey has just begun. She says a good support network such as close friends, babysitters, doctor and family is crucial to the success of single parenting.  

– V. Radhika
March 8, 2004 

By arrangement with Womens Feature Service

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